Only an excerpt of this article survives in the archive. The recovered text is preserved below.
Originally published on Pittsburgh Magazine Virgin is not a pejorative term. I’m talking about food and drink here, people. Now “mocktail” – don’t even get me started. No one ever says, “I think I’m going to have a mocktail.” If I’m wrong, I don’t need to know who says it. I’ll trust you and the, um, interesting circle of friends you run with. This doesn’t mean that I love saying, “I’d like a virgin margarita, please.” That sounds so wrong. Illegal, almost. I think we should just go ahead and call a margarita without tequila by a completely different name. I mean, the Geena Davis movie without Susan Sarandon isn’t called Simply Thelma, it’s called Stuart Little. See what I’m saying? That’s because Geena without Susan is a completely different experience. Or we can just be completely honest and say, “I’d like a margarita please. Just the mix, not the tequila. That’s right!” If you’re going for the virgin version, tell it like it is. Say it loud. Be proud. Stand straight(edge). I kid. However, I do think that your repertoire should include a few drinks that can stand on their own without alcoholic embellishment. Someone needs to look after the designated drivers, expectant mothers and the unfortunate have-to-work-the-next-day souls. […]